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About Hobbyist Artist Member BlueBlankey22/Male/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 6 Years
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There's no reason to look. Nothing good in here anyway.

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I used to be very motivated- I could make things without tiring, create new concepts in stride, and had lots of confidence to back it up. Back then I was also mentally unstable- depression, mood swings, schizophrenia- the 'usual' teenager stuff. Times were very rough, but I felt like I was pursuing some sort of higher purpose.
 Now days, I know all the technical processes to make anything beyond what I can imagine. Not only that- I have reached mental stability. But now I'm crippled by indifference.
Life has become so stable that I feel anything extra I do is futile. My family enjoys my company and my help, but they don't share an interest in my creations (procedural programming/ 3d sketching/ world building). I have found that creating tends to be a form of escape from life- but now that life isn't bad enough to warrant escaping, the desire is gone. Life is pleasant, but feels so so very hollow.
(Background- my parents had 13 children, and I'm the last oldish one left in the house(s) to take care of them. My dad is a doctor and always working, and my mom is usually sick.)
I know that I MUST follow my interests, but the quality of life for everyone involved will degrade if I impose self discipline. My demeanor would change for the worse- and things are so stable now that I don't know if it's worth the risk.

So now the decision/ dilemma- what is considered selfish?

Do I focus on my creative drive at the expense of my family?
Do I continue to neglect it- at the risk of losing it- and hope I can pick it up later on when it's more convenient?
Should I find a way out- in a form they'd actually listen to- like college or something?
Somewhere in the gray?
There are a lot of answers, but no appealing solution.
Ironside (Decimated) by BlueBlankey
Ironside (Decimated)
It's an old render, but why not?

It was originally a city in Minecraft handbuilt by my brother. I was using it as a testing ground for retopologizing voxel models into lower poly junk. Didn't exactly work well enough, but I did learn a lot about optimization in the process.
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Dragon Defence by BlueBlankey
Dragon Defence
Two digitigrade mechs defending a plasma well from a dragon-like automation.

This is a very loose overview/sketch/doodle of something I'm working on.
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Stuff and junk-
My fav brother finally got out of the house about a month ago. There are around 7 little kids still here (big family), and now it's up to me to pull for what used to be handled by a gang of 3 or 4 big brothers. (Other 3: one's in college, one Navy, one is a priest)
I've always been close to them, but constantly trying to bounce creative ideas off of them and getting nothing back was frustrating. We all have our own unique interests, and mine was way too off tangent for them to relate to. So with people around to talk to, I still felt like a loner. Now with no-one to talk to, I feel like an outcast.
At first I was considering going back into "Neurotic mode" and making imaginary friends like I had done in the past. That would technically work, but since I'm the last able-bodied person available to take care of the house(s), I have to be collected/rational. I also was considering trying to just bottle up all of my emotions and focus exclusively on my goals, but then that would just undermine the whole reason. (Why work for something continuously and never sit back to enjoy what you have?)

Sooo, I'll try to interact on this website more- like in terms of spending time to explain stuff- be it an idea, description for a piece of art, IRL happenings, current feelings, commenting on other people's things, etc. etc. Not for attention, but just for better mental health.
Big problem with my art lately has been "It's not getting complex fast enough to impress people!" Perhaps I just need to slow down, explain what certain things are, and stop trying to show everything at once hoping it'll attract attention.
I mean, why busy yourself making a world if you never stop to enjoy it?

P.S. Still working on making a dynamic world simulator/builder- hardly scratched into classifications and structure, but have the gist of it. (The goal is so big that no matter how many pieces I cut it up into they're still huge tasks. Once I get an upward spiral going, the actual cool things will start happening.)
  • Mood: Distressed
  • Listening to: Nothing (that's not normal)
  • Reading: Calculus textbooks
  • Watching: Mickey Mouse' Clubhouse -_-
  • Playing: Robocraft (don't)
Simple Pleasures by BlueBlankey
Simple Pleasures
Why work when you can chase butterflies?


This has a backstory, but it wouldn't make much sense without having to dig into a bunch more backstories. It would end up being a wall of text.
Nothing here is random in other words... hopefully when I get some animations going on I can explain visually.
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Stuff and junk-
My fav brother finally got out of the house about a month ago. There are around 7 little kids still here (big family), and now it's up to me to pull for what used to be handled by a gang of 3 or 4 big brothers. (Other 3: one's in college, one Navy, one is a priest)
I've always been close to them, but constantly trying to bounce creative ideas off of them and getting nothing back was frustrating. We all have our own unique interests, and mine was way too off tangent for them to relate to. So with people around to talk to, I still felt like a loner. Now with no-one to talk to, I feel like an outcast.
At first I was considering going back into "Neurotic mode" and making imaginary friends like I had done in the past. That would technically work, but since I'm the last able-bodied person available to take care of the house(s), I have to be collected/rational. I also was considering trying to just bottle up all of my emotions and focus exclusively on my goals, but then that would just undermine the whole reason. (Why work for something continuously and never sit back to enjoy what you have?)

Sooo, I'll try to interact on this website more- like in terms of spending time to explain stuff- be it an idea, description for a piece of art, IRL happenings, current feelings, commenting on other people's things, etc. etc. Not for attention, but just for better mental health.
Big problem with my art lately has been "It's not getting complex fast enough to impress people!" Perhaps I just need to slow down, explain what certain things are, and stop trying to show everything at once hoping it'll attract attention.
I mean, why busy yourself making a world if you never stop to enjoy it?

P.S. Still working on making a dynamic world simulator/builder- hardly scratched into classifications and structure, but have the gist of it. (The goal is so big that no matter how many pieces I cut it up into they're still huge tasks. Once I get an upward spiral going, the actual cool things will start happening.)
  • Mood: Distressed
  • Listening to: Nothing (that's not normal)
  • Reading: Calculus textbooks
  • Watching: Mickey Mouse' Clubhouse -_-
  • Playing: Robocraft (don't)

deviantID

BlueBlankey

Artist | Hobbyist
United States
I didn't think imagination would be this hard!
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Comments


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:iconnomansnodead:
NOMANSNODEAD Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2014  Professional Interface Designer
thank you for the watch! :)
Reply
:icondckiq:
DCkiq Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:iconimanevilguyplz::icondevwatchplz:
:icontuxedoplz:
Reply
:iconlydynasty:
LyDynasty Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy birthday! :la: :cake:
Reply
:icondkoran:
DKoran Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2014
Happy early birthday :D
Reply
:icontacoguy12:
TacoGuy12 Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2014
Waiting for some more projects! FOREVER WAITING 
Reply
:iconcronos2218:
Cronos2218 Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2014  Student General Artist
Have you ever considered basing a story around some of your works? or writing a story and illustrating it? Just a thought man. Hope you release something new soon!
Reply
:iconmecha-zone:
Mecha-Zone Featured By Owner May 15, 2013  Professional General Artist
Hi and thanks for the +WATCH :D
Reply
:icondragonkan:
dragonkan Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
if i gave you the file for this [link] , would you like to use it for our collabe/trade/whatever it ends up as
Reply
:iconblueblankey:
BlueBlankey Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2013  Hobbyist
Whatever you want to use is fine with me. This one would totally work- just give a general description (like how it works, what color laser it is) and I'll make a high resolution version with the file.
Reply
:icondragonkan:
dragonkan Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
well its a high energy beam weapon, nothing fancy. got a drop box or some thing i could just save time describing it and send you the file to look at.
Reply
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